"Where Were You?"

That is the question many people ask about 9-11.

September 11, 2001 I was getting ready to make my weekly grocery store trip with my one year-old daughter. I did laundry on Mondays and went to the grocery store on Tuesdays. Just as I was getting ready to walk out the door J called from work. He asked if I had the news on. That was an odd question. Of course I wasn't watching the news... did he think I watched TV and ate bon bons all day? Not to mention it was late morning and the news wasn't even on. He told me to turn it on and said something about the world coming to an end. A bit dramatic I thought. I really didn't want to turn the news on. I was ready to walk out the door. I didn't want to sit down. Besides, I had something else on my mind. I was going to buy a pregnancy test at the store.

But I sat down in front of the TV... and watched... I didn't know what to make of it, but it was a tragedy of a magnitude I had never witnessed in my lifetime. Of course as the days and weeks went on and I saw and heard more, it became even bigger.

I watched for about an hour that morning then went on to the store. It was rather surreal because I was carrying out my normal activity while so many people were living something so horrible. Here I was in a grocery store... Not only that, I was considering the possibility of a new life while all those people were dealing with a death toll we couldn't imagine.

The test was positive. 9-11 was the day I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter. It was a day of healing for me. You see, in February of that year I had gotten pregnant. SK was just 13 months old. I freaked. She was just beginning to walk and talk. It was such a fun time. I felt like I was just getting into the swing of this parenting thing. My little girl was really communicating with me now and we were having so much fun together. She was my little buddy. I held her tight, crying that I was going to lose something with her. Of course it never crossed my mind that this new baby wouldn't come for another 9 months! I literally laid face down on the floor and bawled like a baby because I thought I was going to lose this special closeness we had. Through my weeping I asked God to forgive me for my selfishness. I knew in my head that this child was a blessing, but I was simply selfish of my bond with my first daughter. Over the next few months I came to grips with the thought of another child. Of course I wanted a sibling for SK, I just hadn't wanted one so soon. Then, I actually became very happy that we were having another baby (there's a reason pregnancy lasts 9 months!).

Just when I was happy and excited; looking forward to another child, I miscarried. Oh, the guilt I felt. I had not been thankful for this blessing. I had not trusted in God's sovereignty. No, I'm not saying that God took that baby to punish me, but it brought to light my selfishness and my desire for control. Somehow I thought I knew what was best.

This 9-11 I am thankful to have four more blessings to care for. We've experienced more miscarriages too, which just strengthen my knowledge that God is in control. James 4:13-16 comes to mind: Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. J & I tried to plan and time "our family" just like WE wanted it. We were proud. Through births and losses we have learned to trust God for his plan. No, we're not perfect. This is just one area of life. We still have many areas that we're holding on to; trying to control. We have a lot of growing to do. Actually, it's a lot of shrinking ;)